The Song Beneath the Song Compendium
by TerribleWaitress
Summary: A few musically inspired one-shots, because... 2am and I'm still awake writing a song, if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to (yes, yes I am singing my summary)
1. White Flag

**A/N: So I've had this like file of little fics ****inspired by sections of lyrics in some of my favorite songs. I actually wrote this last night after watching a few episodes of Grey's... McDreamy just met Rose and she is the Priya of Grey's (and also the Emily Waltham of Grey's) so this happened. Anyway I thought while I'm away I'd share some of these over here! **

* * *

**I'll let it pass, a****nd hold my tongue**

**And you will think that I have moved on**

_(White Flag, Dido)_

* * *

Penny was fine with making the effort to be nice to Priya - or as fine as she could be, considering that Priya was dating her ex-boyfriend and completely changing his life, but whatever. Hell, she even made an effort to ask Amy and Bernadette to be nice about her and not fling their poop at her, even though she'd really like to see that happen. Leonard obviously liked Priya and she was evidently no longer a part of his life in the way she had been before. She was even fine with Leonard talking to her about Priya, if he needed to. It was Leonard; he could be a little clueless when it came to relationships. But Penny was fine with it.

Well, not really, but she was making an effort to be fine with that too. She was the one who'd broken up with him; it was the least she could do. He deserved to be happy. Penny was trying, really trying.

But why did that mean _she _was the one who had to be unhappy? Was breaking up with Leonard because she couldn't tell him she loved him really _so_bad that she continually got hurt by the one person she had trusted not to hurt her?

"Penny, what the hell happened to your hand?" Bernadette asked, watching as Penny shoved her things into her locker.

"It's fine." Penny mumbled, yanking on the tie of her apron to try rescue it from the mess of her purse.

"But it's all bruised and-"

"I said it's fine!" Penny snapped. Tugging too abruptly on the apron tie, the force backfired, causing her to let go of it and bump her arm into the edge of her locker. "That is just _great_. I _really _wanted this nice big scratch on my arm today. Really compliments my hand."

"Penny." Bernadette said firmly, folding her arms. Penny glared at her but didn't say anything else, so she went over to Penny's locker. Hanging Penny's jacket up on the hook, she efficiently removed the apron which had tangled with a set of headphones and her wallet. Handing Penny her apron, she sat down on one of the benches. "I'm gonna ask you again. What happened?"

Frowning, Penny tied her apron around her waist. "I punched the steering wheel." She admitted, wishing she hadn't because even tying her apron was making the bruises hurt.

"Why?"

"Because! Because, Bernadette, I'm pissed off." Penny slammed her locker door shut. "I have been trying my best to be civil with Leonard and Priya. And then he has the _audacity _to ask me to move out? Because of _Priya_! Priya doesn't want me around! He gets a new girlfriend and _I'm _the bad guy for living next door."

Sighing, Bernadette bit her lip. "I'm so sorry Penny."

"Oh no, don't be sorry for me. I broke up with him. _I _broke up with _him_. Apparently this means he gets to crap all over my attempts to just move on with my life because everywhere I go, every single thing I do he is right there. Obviously what I did is so bad that he gets to do that to me, so no, don't _sorry Penny _me."

"Penny..."

"I want him to be happy. I do, I really do, I want him to be happy. I am _glad _he's happy. He deserves it. Out of everyone on this planet, I probably want him to be happy the most because _I _am the one who spent time with his mother and then comforted him, and I put up with Sheldon for him ,and started using Soy milk so he could also have breakfast in my apartment, and stayed up with him while he worked on a paper because he doesn't want to be a disappointment like he was to his parents so he wasn't alone. He gets to be happy."

"I know, Penny." Bernadette said sympathetically.

"Why do I not get the same courtesy? Does he not... has it never crossed his mind that this actually _hurts_? Asking me to move out and not be friends because of his new girlfriend - he doesn't think that hurts for me?" Penny's voice wavered slightly as she looked at Bernadette. "The worst part is, I actually told him we'd part friends. I walked away just so he'd think I was okay with it."

"I'm sure Leonard didn't mean to hurt you. He wouldn't do that on purpose Penny, you know he wouldn't."

"I want to shout at him. And I want to punch Priya, I hate her, I absolutely hate her. But also a tiny part of me likes her for making Leonard happy, which I hate her for. But I want to yell at him like I yelled at Kurt, and list all the things he's doing wrong like I did with Zack but that is just..." Sitting down beside Bernadette, Penny shook her head. "I can't do that to him."


	2. Heaven

**A/N - Thanks for those lovely reviews guys! I'm not sticking to the same idea/story in each little fic here, it's just a collection of random ones inspired by various songs over time. Some of them will have the same theme though, I know I wrote about the break-up period quite a few times. But then again there are a lot of songs about that! This is one of my favorite songs ever, and since it's Monday and I no longer have a Monday fic I felt this would be fitting. Happy Monday! (And yes, I am wearing my Hello Kitty socks today!) **

* * *

**Once in your life you will find someone**

**Who will turn your world around**

**Bring you up when you're feeling down**

_(Heaven, DJ Sammy)_

* * *

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Penny frowned as she walked into the apartment to find Leonard looking at the laptop screen as though somebody had just punched him. She sat down next to him and linked her hands with his. "Leonard?"

He sighed and used his free hand to rub his eyes beneath his glasses. "Just my mother... she found out my research fell through."

"Oh no," Penny squeezed his hand. "I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Thank you." Leonard gave her a small, sad smile before turning back to the screen. "Of course my mother had a lot to say about how much of a failed scientist I am and that it's embarrassing how unsuccessful I am, considering I'm a Hofstadter and... ugh." He closed his eyes and dropped his head. "She really knows how to make me feel like crap when I need it the least."

"Don't listen to what that woman says." Penny said firmly, placing her hand on his jaw and turning his face gently to look at her. "Your research falling through doesn't make you a failed scientist, or unsuccessful at all. If nobody ever failed then we'd already have all the answers to the universe and people like you would be out of a job. I mean, look at what you've achieved - you worked for _Stephen Hawking's _team! People write articles praising your work, Leonard. I read those physics magazines and journals, and people are rambling about how amazing and advanced your work is. Look at all the awards you've won and the grants you receive to _continue _your research. If your mother can't see that, then that is her own problem."

"You read... you read physics publications?" Leonard asked in disbelief.

Penny shrugged. "Yeah. You leave them lying around and I get curious. I get to read about all the awesome things other people say about my amazing, smart, successful boyfriend, and show off to everyone that the genius they're talking about is dating _me_. I don't know about half the words they use in those articles but I get the gist. I'm proud of you and I love you."

"Really?"

"You don't believe me?"

"I've just never heard anybody say anything like that about me." Leonard smiled at Penny, placing both his hands on her face. "Thank you, Penny."

"It's just the truth." Penny replied shyly. Biting her lip, she looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before leaning in to give him a soft kiss. "I know just how to make my baby feel better about his mother."


	3. Breathe

**2am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake**

**'Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?**

**I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season'**

_(Breathe (2AM), Anna Nalick)_

* * *

Bernadette blinked as her phone rang, hitting the answer button as she put her glasses on. Not having read who the caller was, she switched on her bedside light as quiet sniffs came from the other end. "Umm... hello?"

"Bernadette?"

She sat up as she heard Penny's voice croak through the line. "Penny?"

"I'm sorry... I know it's a stupid time and you're probably asleep - Happy New Year, by the way - but... did I wake you? Can I call you when you're in this quarantine thing?"

"It's okay, I wasn't asleep yet." Bernadette positioned herself to lean against the headboard; she could hear it in Penny's voice that she needed to talk. "Happy New Year to you too, Penny." She frowned when she heard a small sob. "What's wrong?"

"It's..." Penny sighed. "I just... he was just... Zack was a mistake."

"Zack?"

"Yeah, you know, Zack-"

"Yeah, but what was he - are you back together?" Bernadette frowned.

"No! No... well, no, we're not." Penny shook her head furiously. It was confusing even to her, having to explain it to both Leonard and Bernadette was even more complicated. "I... I got back together with him so I didn't have to be alone on New Years." She took a deep breath that caught in her throat. It was the truth, but she wished it wasn't. Yet a part of her mind yelled that it was easier to tell the truth because she was so determined to _not _be 'back together' with Zack. "But we weren't _really _back together. Anyway, I ended it, I couldn't do it."

"Okay..." Bernadette nodded slowly as the situation began to make sense in her mind.

"I did something bad," The words tumbled out of Penny's mouth quickly, and she began sniffling again, suppressing her sobs.

Bernadette wished she could be there to hug Penny and talk to her properly. It was rare for Penny to be openly so upset about something, she just wanted to be there to comfort her in those moments. "Shh, it's okay, Penny. What happened?"

"I... I kissed him. I kissed him in front of Leonard, and-and-and you should have _seen _the look on his face, he looked so, _so _hurt, and I did that to him!" Penny's voice cracked and rose in pitch as she spoke. "I'm the _worst_, most pathetic, crappy, horrible-" But she didn't finish, as she groaned and was overcome with a fresh set of self-loathing sobs.

Once more, Bernadette waited patiently, offering soothing words of comfort to try and calm Penny down again. She took this opportunity to try find something to say to her that would be of some positive note - but she couldn't find any. Sure, there was the simple 'you were just lonely, you didn't mean to hurt him' - but with Penny, it went much deeper than that. As much as Penny tried to deny it, she still had feelings for Leonard, stronger than she thought. Bernadette could see it, she knew Amy could too, but Penny was far too busy denying and hiding away from her emotions to realize them.

"Bernadette, I don't know what to do." Penny whispered. "I don't love Zack. He's not the one I should have spent tonight with. He's not the one I..." She paused again. "Help me. Please?"

"Oh, Penny..." Bernadette felt tears come to her eyes. She had never heard Penny ask for help like this. Usually Penny was the one giving advice.

"Please, Bernadette." Penny sniffed, her voice weak and quiet. "I've never hurt anyone like this before... I don't know what to do."

"I know, Penny, I know." Bernadette began soothingly. "Look. It's gonna hurt. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. You're hurting, and Leonard's hurting. What you had was special, and it's going to take time to heal the bond that broke. But Penny, you didn't intentionally hurt him. Everybody has their own way of coping, and this was yours."

"I don't want my way of coping to be hurting Leonard!" Penny snapped, her anger bringing her voice back to her usual stubborn self.

"Perhaps you're not ready to try moving on just yet. And especially not with Zack."

"Yeah... considering the last time I went out with him I ended up sleeping with Leonard... I just thought it would be different by now."

"Take things slowly. Leonard knows you didn't mean to hurt him, and I bet he knows just how difficult this is for you too. You can make a new bond when you're ready and he's ready and work out how to be friends. I can't promise that will make the hurt go away and that no mistakes will be made, because it happens, but you just have to keep going until you reach a place you're both happy with how things are between you, and go back to your lives as they were."

Again, Penny was silent for a long while. Eventually, she managed to get out "I don't want to just be Leonard's friend, Bernadette. Breaking up with him was a mistake, it was stupid, it's my fault." She sniffed and gulped, running a hand through her hair. "I... I'm sorry for calling you at this time, I was just..."

"It's okay, Penny. I'm right here, I'm here for you."

"I..." Penny squeezed her eyes shut. "I should go."

"Penny-"

"No," Penny shook her head, this was getting too much. "I have to go. Thank you for listening to me. It's just a stupid New Years thing, maybe I had too much to drink... the Punch at the Comic Book Store tasted pretty strong. It's just... nothing. I have to go. I'll see you when you get back."

Defeated, Bernadette sighed. "Okay, Penny. I'll see you soon. Try get some sleep, okay? If you want to talk some more, I'm right here."

"I'm fine." Penny lied. "Goodnight, Bernadette."


	4. Listen

**I'm more than what you made of me**

**I followed the voice you think you gave to me**

_(Listen - Beyoncé, Dreamgirls) _

* * *

Staring at the keys in her hand, Penny took a deep breath.

"This is it," she gulped, looking nervously out of her window. She rolled it down to try get some fresh air and calm her anxiety.

She had thought moving out of her parents home in Nebraska and moving in to a new apartment with Kurt all the way in California had made her grown up, but this was completely different. She was on her own now; these were _her _keys and nobody else's.

It hadn't been that bad in Nebraska; at eighteen having had the same boyfriend for a year had made her feel like that was it and Kurt was 'the one'. Back then she had thought her whole life was sorted out, that she'd paved her way and set her future perfectly. She wanted to be an actress and she'd slept with only Kurt for a whole year, which in her eyes meant that she was ready to commit and take the next step. She let out a tiny laugh at her naive eighteen-year-old self. Her parents had been right; you don't know what you want at eighteen and even if you do, you don't know how to get it.

Things were no longer handed to her on a plate like they were as a kid. She couldn't just go up to her parents and ask for acting lessons because she wanted to be an actress, that was all on her the moment she left - finding them, paying for them, attending them. When she was upset because Kurt had gone off to another party without her, she couldn't sit with her mother for comfort and distraction. Her Dad wasn't going to tell Kurt to "take care of my little girl" anymore whenever he came over to take her out.

But she had loved Kurt, so at the time all of that didn't matter. He was her boyfriend and he took her to movies and told her she was pretty. He drove her around Omaha and they'd go on adventures she wasn't allowed to tell her parents about. He had muscles; manly muscles. And he was older than her, which obviously meant that he was wiser than her and knew how to navigate this new portion of their lives. She had been excited that she would get to take things into her own hands with Kurt beside her to cheer her on. They were going to California; "I'm going to be famous, Daddy! It's where all the famous people live!" she'd explained excitedly. She could pay someone to do what she couldn't - housework would _never _be her issue.

But the reality was she worked as a waitress and drove a questionable car and ate cheap takeout and did her best to iron her work uniform while Kurt began to mysteriously spend less and less time with her. At first she was fine with it, and then she was convincing herself that she was fine with. He was allowed to have a life and not spend _all _his time with her, after all. And then they argued, they argued a lot, and he started spending more time with her after she threw her hair straightener at him and poured his protein shake powder down the toilet. They both apologised and somehow she took some of the blame, but at the time she figured whatever worked, because she loved him. He _did _apologise, after all.

That lasted for a while but then he was being _too _nice and she knew something was definitely wrong - not just maybe wrong like she sometimes thought, but definitely wrong because Kurt was being incredibly un-Kurt. Truthfully, she kind of liked it. He was nicer, more loving, he spent evenings on the couch with her watching trashy television. She stopped caring that this was unlike him because she liked it so much.

But then it got worse, and very quickly. He was less careful. She'd see girls exiting the apartment building when she was coming in and once she was upstairs she found him making the bed, even though she'd already made it that morning. So she stopped making the bed because it was easier to pretend not to notice. When they were out together he'd make sure she was drunk enough first before going off with other girls. That was her thing! She'd even gotten her ex-boyfriend drunk before sleeping with his brother, and then vice versa. But still, it was easier to be drunk and forget about Kurt for a while.

And then she found him in bed with someone else and she had her evidence, and it hurt a lot more than she had expected.

Breaking up with someone after being together for five years hurt. Even if she hated his lying, cheating guts. She'd loved him. Everything she thought she knew had been erased from the board and now she had to start anew.

Kurt had told her she'd be terrible living on her own and that she should just stay. Kurt had told her she wasn't smart enough or good enough for anything beyond waitressing, and that it was a miracle they kept her on because she wasn't even good at that. Kurt had told her she had a pretty face and a great body but that was probably the only thing she had going for her. Penny wished he had been drunk when he'd told her all of those things, and she wished that they'd been having an argument and it was just him being desperate.

Undoing her seatbelt and opening her car door, Penny stepped out and took a breath of fresh air, smiling at the '2311' on the building she was moving into. She could do this. Nobody was going to tell her what she could or couldn't do - not Kurt, not her parents, not anybody. She could do this alone. She didn't need anybody to help her. Penny was so much more than that.


	5. Slipping Through My Fingers

**A/N - **I was watching Mamma Mia last night and obvs this song + Meryl Streep = Momma Meryl needs some time to reflect on Penny getting married. Whenever and wherever it happens!

* * *

_**Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture**_

_**And save it from the funny tricks of time**_

_**Slipping through my fingers**_

* * *

Eyes filling with tears she hadn't expected, Meryl smiled as she watched her husband hand over their daughter to her soon-to-be husband. Penny smiled as Wyatt kissed her cheek before letting go of her hand with a parting nod. Instantly, Penny extended her hand to Leonard, who took it and helped her up the two steps to the altar.

As Wyatt sat down beside her, she took his hand and watched as Penny and Leonard faced each other, holding hands as though creating a force field containing only them and their moment. Her mind wandered back to her own wedding years ago, Wyatt grasping his daughters hands in a similar fashion to the way Leonard was right now.

_"It's okay, Penny." _

_"Nobody wants to dance with me!" _

_"I'm sure plenty of people want to dance with you." _

_"Daddy, I've been standing here for like two hours on my own and I don't see anyone lining up for me, so obviously not." _

_"It doesn't matter if you don't have anyone to dance with today." _

_"Yes it does! Bridget's dancing with someone, Scott's dancing with someone, you and Mom are dancing together, even Uncle Mitchell is dancing with someone and his tuxedo is hideous." _

_"Slugger, maybe you won't be dancing with someone today. And that's okay. You're gonna dance with a lot of people in your life. But it doesn't matter because you'll only ever wanna dance with one person for the rest of your life - and every day is gonna feel like your first dance with them."_

_"You don't know that. Everyone's dancing with someone except me. Maybe I'm just... not gonna have what you and Mom have. Maybe that's not for me." _

_"You will." _

At fourteen, Penny had taken that rejection to heart. With nobody to dance with at her own parents wedding, she'd taken to proving to herself that she _was _worth someone's attention - too many lessons from her sister, too much pressure on her own self-confidence. After all, even as a child Penny had loved being center of attention - so she was easily wounded, and eager to stitch up that wound in whatever way possible. And her mission to stitch that wound involved a lot of guys - not that Meryl could judge, given her own mischief as a teen, and her attempts to advise Penny went ignored.

But at least she had started to settle down eventually, even if it was with Kurt. Penny had big dreams with him and much as Meryl had wanted to be supportive, she'd never viewed Kurt as the right guy for her daughter. She was proven right when Penny called to inform them he'd cheated on her and she was moving to a new apartment and that no, she didn't want to return to Omaha - she could handle this. Meryl had had her doubts then too, but Penny's relationship with Kurt had at least allowed her to grow and learn the ways of life.

Then Leonard came along - and _boy _was Penny difficult about this one. That's how Meryl knew he was the right one. She remembered the time Penny had flown to Nebraska just days after saying she couldn't afford it and excitedly explaining to her parents what had happened in the car ride from the airport to their house.

_"He just bought me the ticket, just like that! I came to their apartment for pizza night and then afterwards we went back to my place and he just gives me the ticket like he's giving me a chocolate bar. Literally, just like that." _

_"That's so nice of him!" _

_"I know, right? When I told him I'd pay him back he said there's no need. I wish he didn't know that I couldn't afford it but... oh well. I was just so happy that I was gonna be coming home to see you guys and that he got me the ticket!"_

_"Well, it's very thoughtful of him, sweetheart. Tell him thank you from us." _

_"I will." _

_"You should bring him with you next time." _

_"I... uh, maybe." _

Meryl had seen Penny's smile as she looked out the window in the reflection of the side-mirror. The whole of her stay she'd stayed suspiciously silent on the matter of Leonard, and Wyatt paid Leonard back for the plane tickets without Penny ever finding out.

When Leonard had gone away on his North Sea expedition, Penny had contemplated many times returning to Omaha but seemed unable to tear herself away from Pasadena. _"I just like being around his things," _Penny had admitted to Meryl over the phone, _"and knowing that I'm here if anything happens._"

Her attention was drawn back to the wedding ceremony. She watched her daughter say "I do" with a steady voice, and she saw her eldest daughter a few steps away from her sister biting her lip. Bridget glanced quickly at her parents before returning her gaze to Penny while Leonard said "I do". There had been a brief time when Meryl had wondered if Bridget would get to be Penny's Maid of Honor when they stopped talking for a few years, but there she was - best friends as they had been growing up together, both with pink bracelets on their wrists that they had worn to Bridget's first wedding.

In the moment just before Leonard and Penny were pronounced husband and wife, Penny turned her head to look at her mother and give her an excited grin.

Meryl had seen that grin only a few times, but they were her most treasured moments. When Penny had first introduced Leonard to the family in Nebraska. Penny's high school graduation - she'd struggled, but she'd made it. The first time Penny had won a dressage competition and her name had just been announced. The first time her parents had seen her in the main school play and she had the lead role and she was taking her bow. When she was five years old and got to sing one solo line in the Christmas concert. Bridget and Scott helping her walk for the first time and seeing their Mommy appear in the doorway.

For a moment, that excited grin was only for her. It was her "look what I've achieved" grin; the one that told Meryl that her daughter was truly happy and nothing could take that away from her and she wanted to share that moment with her mother.

It was a moment she wanted to frame in her mind forever and brought a tear to her eye.

And just like that, that grin became Leonard's as she faced him once more. The moments causing her to grin that way would now be memories with him; with her own family, her own children.

If she could hold onto that moment, she would. For although she was sad that those moments with her daughter would no longer be with her, Meryl was incredibly happy that the person fortunate enough to now share them was Leonard. It was strange to feel both at the same moment in time. If she could remember one moment with her daughter for the rest of her life, this would be the one she'd want to remember.

"You may now kiss the bride."

Meryl had never felt prouder of her daughter.


	6. Like A Virgin

**A/N - So obviously the finale left so many questions and there are a million and one ways things could go. The other day I read something about how everybody is insecure about something no matter how confident and happy they are. And ever since the finale I was like damn, Penny keeps getting cheated on and Leonard is really quite bad at keeping it in his pants given his history. So those two things collided and this song came on (Amos Lee version, used on Grey's Anatomy) and this happened! I know a lot of people hated the finale but personally I found it a very interesting turn for both Shamy and Lenny and injected some drama back into the show because I spent 50% of the season bored and skipping episodes. So yeah this isn't like a 'ooh I want something like this to happen' just some music-inspired stuff I felt like sharing mainly because I like the song. The actual fic part I'm still iffy about. Edited just in time before I need to locate my apron and head to work! **

* * *

_You're so fine, and you're mine_

_I'll be yours 'til the end of time_

_'Cause you make me feel_

_Yeah you make me feel I have nothing to hide_

(Like A Virgin - Amos Lee)

* * *

Watching Leonard put his jacket on via the reflection of her mirror, Penny bit her lip. Things were different in their relationship ever since he'd told her he'd kissed another woman, but they were trying not to let it show. She couldn't stop herself from making snide remarks at him because it was her barrier. He accepted them because he knew he deserved it. Once upon a time he'd asked Penny if it was cheating to kiss another woman if he had a girlfriend and she'd made it very clear that yes, it _was _cheating. He'd never imagined he'd do it to _her, _but there he'd been in the car telling her it had happened. Sometimes he snapped back at her because he was already stressed out enough as it was without her adding to it.

But they had gone to Vegas and Penny had pretty much made him prove that his mouth was for her and food only. They returned to Pasadena and pretended he hadn't kissed another woman but it was occupying their minds no matter what they did. She got mad at him for the smallest things. When they passed another woman she'd glare at the poor stranger and ask him if maybe he'd like to kiss that person too since that was what he did.

Yes, she was angry. Sort of angry, anyway. She wished he had told her when it had happened because then this would just be in the past. Penny had _really _been excited about getting married to him in Vegas; just the two of them and nobody else to interrupt their bubble for a while. They had only been girlfriend and boyfriend at the time it happened rather than engaged, so she couldn't work out if she'd have fought less to save them or brushed it off because they were keeping things homeostasis so it was no big deal. She wished he hadn't kissed another woman. She wished he'd never been on that boat in the first place because four months without him had been horribly painful.

And that was exactly why she tried her best not to care that he had kissed another woman. Penny knew exactly what it was like not to be with him. When he'd gone to the North Pole and she'd spent three months terrified of how much she missed him and craved his physical presence and wanted to be the one wrapped around his body instead of the Snuggie she'd given him. When they had broken up and every time she wanted to say something meaningful to him or even make more than small talk her tongue felt like it was too big for her mouth and she _just couldn't breathe_. When he'd been dating Priya and she spent so much time convincing herself that she was okay with it that she needed to drink whenever he was mentioned because she was terrible at convincing herself and all she wanted to do was forget how much it hurt. When he was in the North Sea and she'd stay up most nights waiting for him to go to sleep too and then spend her days with Sheldon because she was lonely and they could miss him together.

Being apart from him in any capacity was not something she wanted to ever experience again. Sure, she could live with it. She'd lived through all those things. But she didn't _want _to. It was her choice and she chose him. The kind, loving, sweet nerd and the ass who kissed another woman - she wanted him in her life and everything that entailed.

She had been cheated on before. She'd cheated on people before too. The circumstances didn't cancel out the fact that it was cheating, no matter how she'd defended herself in the past. It had sucked, but not as much as this. She hadn't even cried about Leonard kissing another woman because she knew that wasn't going to change anything. It wasn't worth crying over... not just yet. Penny was insecure; not outwardly and she hardly ever admitted it, but she was. Especially about this. Because there must be a reason, and she was afraid of that reason.

"Leonard?" Penny asked, trying to clear her throat subtly.

"Yeah?"

"I... I just wanted to ask you something."

"Anything, go ahead."

Turning around to face him, she placed her hands on her hips, instantly becoming defensive - just in case, like always. "Is it because I'm not pretty enough anymore?"

"What?" Leonard was confused. What made her think that - where had this even come from?

"Am I not hot enough for you anymore?"

"No, you're still... hot. And very pretty." Leonard furrowed his brow. He observed her image for what must have been the hundredth time that day. "You look gorgeous - that dress is amazing."

"So it's just the dress? It's not me? I have to put on a dress so tight I'm practically breaking a rib to be pretty for you?"

"You look beautiful even in rumpled pajamas, Penny, I - you always look gorgeous."

"But less so than when you first met me, right?" Penny asked, but she quickly continued in a bout of sudden determination. "Or is it because I'm simply not smart enough for you? I don't understand science and it puts you off?"

"I _told _you, I don't care that you're not interested in-"

"Because I'm doing a _freakin' _Psychology class, and that's not exactly _easy_. I mean, is that not enough for you?"

"What-"

"Are you just putting up with me because it took us _so _long to get anywhere with our relationship and actually being away from me works out well for you because you don't have to put up with me? You get to take a break from stupid, boring, no-longer-hot, not good at any of her jobs Penny?"

Shaking his head, Leonard simply stared at her. "Penny, _what are you talking about_?"

Exhaling deeply, Penny could almost feel her walls crumbling around her. Tears gathered in her eyes as she looked at him, defeated and exhausted. She _so _didn't want to cry. But if felt _so good _to finally be letting these things out. She didn't want either of them to have anything to hide, and this was what that meant and she was going to get her answer - whether or not she liked it. "A lot of people have cheated on me in the past, Leonard, and there is _always _a reason. So I just wanted to know if it's me. Maybe I'm the problem."

There she was, standing in her pretty dress, insecure as hell with nothing to hide and stubbornly refusing to cry. She wondered briefly if this was what it felt like to be lying open on a table with a crowd of surgeons surrounding you.

"Oh my God, Penny." Leonard instantly felt like someone had punched him hard in the chest. Gulping his own tears down, he closed the space between them and took her hands. She looked helplessly at him as though she was expecting the worst. He wondered if what he had to say was anything better than the worst, because he _felt _like the worst. "I know what I did was horrible and wrong and not fair to you. I hate the word unfaithful but that's what it was, and that was _my _fault. Please, _please _do not think _anything _was your fault. I don't know why I did what I did but I know it wasn't because of you."

"Really?" Penny's voice cracked painfully. "Because... maybe that's just the way it is. I'm just not good enough for you."

"You are _so _much more than good enough for me. You are perfect, Penny. You're perfect."

"So... why?" Her chest felt tight. Was this how Leonard felt when he had an asthma attack? It was horrible. "Because... if it's me..." She really didn't want to finish that sentence.

"It's not you, Penny. I don't know how to make you believe that it's not you." Sighing, Leonard sat down on the edge of the bed. "I... I got really carried away out there. I finally fit in with the crowd and I was working for _Stephen Hawking _and the Dramamine was working properly."

Penny wanted to snap 'so you kissed someone to add to your good time' at him but she couldn't anymore.

Continuing, Leonard looked up at her. "I wish I hadn't done it. I don't really know why it happened. I also didn't know you could _actually _forget things like that when you were drunk but hey, turns out you can."

"Believe me, you can forget a lot if you're drunk enough." Penny smiled bitterly at him. _That's how I dealt with you dating Priya. _"Ask Sheldon how many bottles of vodka he placed in the recycling bin while you were gone. He kept count." She didn't know why she told him that or why she was trying to empathize.

He wondered why she had switched from wine to vodka. "She kissed me so I let her and I _do _remember pulling away and being very conscious that she wasn't _you_. Then she returned to her cigarette." They hadn't spoken about it in this much detail before. She wasn't yelling at him to stop, so he continued. There was a time and place for everything, and perhaps this was it. "I tried my best to forget about it happening but... I wanted to be honest with you, Penny. I don't want us to hide things from each other, no matter how bad they are."

"When you kissed Alice when you were dating Priya... why? Why did you do that?"

"Well... she was interested in me and I was lonely." Leonard shrugged. "That was it."

"Was this boat girl interested in you?"

"I dunno. I can't tell these things."

"You knew Alice liked you."

"She straight-out gave me her number. Nobody had ever done that with me. I just craved... someone."

Penny ran a hand through her hair. "When you told me about Alice, I wished I was the one you were cheating on Priya with. How messed up is that? If you wanted to cheat on Priya I would have literally volunteered myself. But you already had your mind on Alice, so I just made some more Macaroni Cheese since you clearly didn't care how I looked anyway. I had three bowls of Macaroni Cheese that night, just so you know, before going out to buy more wine." Sitting carefully beside him on the bed, Penny frowned. "If you knew how much it hurt to be cheated on, if you knew how confused you felt cheating on someone, why would you do that to me?"

Her voice was so timid and quiet that Leonard just wanted to hold her. His eyes filled with tears and he squeezed them shut. Penny's hand instinctively reached out to his, but she pulled it away. They were going to get through this conversation.

"Penny." Leonard opened his eyes and turned to look at her. He wanted her to know how serious he was, and if he had tears in his eyes then he no longer cared if she saw him cry. "You have no idea how much I wish I could go back in time and undo the whole thing. Not just the kissing, but all the alcohol too. Even the decision to go on the trip. All my life, I just wanted some credit for what I do, I wanted to fit in and for somebody to acknowledge me. When I was there, I thought I had found that. It was like going to college and discovering yourself. But I was wrong because you are what I've wanted all my life. You are the embodiment of acceptance and understanding and kindness and beauty and... everything a person should be. I am so lucky to have you in my life and I think sometimes I take that for granted."

Gently, the back of her hand touched his. "I think I take that for granted too."

"I'm not expecting you to forgive me, or to suddenly think that what I did isn't that bad, because it is." Leonard turned slightly toward her, daring to hold onto her hand. "But I can't imagine you not being a part of my life, and maybe I was scared that if I told you what had happened you wouldn't _want _to be a part of it anymore. I wish the Leonard that did that could be removed from my life."

"Yeah, I wish he could be too." Penny nodded with a sad sigh. She gripped his hand a little tighter. "But I don't want you to not be a part of my life either. I've had too much of that. Not being with you is worse than you kissing someone else. I guess you won't ever understand that because..." Sucking in a breath, Penny stopped herself there. God knows she didn't want to have that conversation with him. "I love you, Leonard Hofstadter. All of you. Even that evil, rebellious side of your brain that deserves to be cut out by Amy while you're wide awake and I stand there watching and puking and you feel bad because you can't help me. Maybe we're both as messed up as each other and that's why we're sitting here together rather than alone in our apartments with a bottle of wine and a worrying killing streak on a video game. But I still love you."


	7. With You

**A/N - This is based on 'With You' from Ghost. It makes me cry literally every time I listen to it. Anyway, I guess I wrote this when I was feeling sad and today I am insanely tired because I haven't slept, so I thought I would share it today especially as I haven't updated this collection in a while. I would highly recommend listening to the song... probably after, just 'cause. **

* * *

_Every place we ever walked and everywhere we talked_

_I miss you _

_You never leave my mind_

_So much of you is left behind_

_(With You - Caissie Levy, Ghost the Musical)_

* * *

As a girl who grew up by farms and stables, playing ball games with her refused-to-accept-she-wasn't-a-boy father and beating her male friends at their ball games, Penny had always loved the outdoors. She liked the freedom it allowed and the removal of a physical confinement. Lazing around in the sun with friends, strolling hand-in-hand with your partner, sitting on a bench watching the world around you... it was relaxing.

It _was _relaxing, once upon a time.

Leonard had not been such a big fan of the outdoors. He would take walks with her just because she liked it, and he'd sit on the grass with her simply because she wanted to. Penny let him sniffle and complain about his allergies because his company was still pleasant and his physical presence enhanced her enjoyment of the outdoors. Their son and daughter neither hated nor expressly loved it; to them it was a place they used to chase each other and play games, hang out with their friends as long as they cleaned up, relax from the hassle of schoolwork happening indoors. But Leonard gave up his dislike of sneeze-inducing greenery and possibly melanoma-inducing sun for his children and for Penny, and Penny made sure they walked in the shade and kept hay fever tablets and tissues in her purse.

Just thinking about such things made her own nose tickle, and she rubbed at it slightly. It was already red anyway and the action wasn't new, but she was certain that in that moment it was because of those pesky allergies that weren't even hers. Well, _somebody_ had to have them.

"I know you're laughing at me right now," Penny said quietly with a half-giggle. "I know you're up there going, _'I told you so, I told you that tickle from all the pollen is annoying' _and waiting for me to sneeze."

And there it was - the tickly sneeze followed by a soft "tuh" from the back of her throat as she caught her breath and wiped at her nose and mouth. Rolling her eyes, she vividly remembered kissing Leonard right on the very bench she was sitting - many, many years ago - and he had stopped right as she'd gone to push the boundary between kissing and making out. Then he'd sneezed. Into his hand, fortunately, but it was very off-putting. That night she conceded that he was right; the park was a bad idea. The next day she took his hay fever tablets from his medical cupboard and from then on they could kiss in the park - and more - without his allergy interruptions.

She still had those tablets in her purse, and Penny decisively took one. Just in case. It made her feel better; like she was taking one for the team.

"Shut up." Penny shook her head. She just knew Leonard would be laughing at her. "I sort of hate being here right now. But I like thinking out here. Your hoodie is still in the garden so I can't go out there; I had to come over here instead."

Sighing, Penny pressed a hand against her forehead. A dog ran past, followed by two children. Seconds later their parents walked by, eyes on their kids and enjoying light conversation. Penny could make out that it was about what they were going to watch after dinner - she still hadn't caught up with her show but he'd also gotten the new movie they wanted to watch.

"Tough choice." Penny smirked. "But if she's anything like me she'll get to watch her show and they'll watch the movie the following morning in bed and he'll have to go all the way downstairs to make coffee just to shut her up."

Nobody had made coffee for Penny in the morning since Leonard. Mainly because she tended to sleep during the morning hours, unable to fall asleep when she was supposed to in the evening. Plenty of people offered her coffee but she'd gone off it slightly. It just didn't taste the same.

"Remember that time I was mad at you and I came here, and then an hour later you were here too with two cups of coffee? I know I told you to go away but I was so happy you found me. For once in my life I was worth chasing after. Not many people thought I was. They'd wait for me to come back to them, and sometimes you did that too. But not that time. That time you came straight here, and when I asked how you knew where I was you said you _just knew_." Smiling sadly at her shoes, Penny scuffed her feet on the floor. "And you brought me a sweater because I was so mad I walked out in my shorts and t-shirt but I was too stubborn to storm back in for that even though it was cold."

Pushing herself off the bench and gathering her belongings, Penny gave it an almost longing glance before crossing over the path and onto the grass. "You would have hated this, you know. The grass needs cutting and it's itching my ankles really bad. And I said itching instead of scratching - I know, I know." Grimacing, she looked up towards the sky. "But I suppose if you were still here I wouldn't be walking all this way, so..."

Walking in silence for the rest of her way, Penny reached the edge of the park and sat down on a low wall than ran around the park area, marking its boundaries.

"If the stupid car keys weren't in your bag I wouldn't have to walk everywhere. It's really hurting my legs, you know, but I had to pick up your dry cleaning. I couldn't just leave it there. It's got... that white shirt, the one with the missing button at the bottom and I... I just liked the way that shirt looked on you."

Feeling her eyes well up, Penny squeezed her eyes shut. This way she couldn't see the coffee shop she and Leonard frequented opposite the park. Their usual waitress was outside taking an order from a customer, and Penny opened her eyes in time to see her look up and smile over at her. Gulping down the lump in her throat, Penny tried to smile back but instead dropped her gaze to the plastic-covered dry cleaning next to her.

"I can't face walking in there and explaining why it's just me. I had to tell the dry cleaner you'd left for an expedition. Made some stuff up that I thought you'd be proud of; sounded scientific. Maybe I come back in three months to dry clean some other shirts of yours. Might be easier by then..." Blinking through a layer of tears, Penny watched the cars driving by. "You always hated how I didn't look when I was crossing the road. Grabbed my arm and pulled me back. What would happen if I did that now? Just walked out there. You're not here to stop me. Are you waiting for me? Would you be mad at me? It's quite appealing. Stupid, I know, but... I miss you. You would stop me - in my mind you would stop me. In my heart too. You're still there. But I don't want you to stop me. I just miss you a lot."


	8. Hey There Delilah

**A/N - So I was just listening to this earlier and the fic popped into my head, so I just had to write it! **

* * *

_**Hey there Delilah,**_

_**What's it like in New York City?**_

_**You're a thousand miles away **_

_**But girl tonight you look so pretty, yes you do**_

_**Times Square can't shine as bright as you**_

_Hey There Delilah - (Plain White T's)_

* * *

Watching fondly as Isabel pattered off to finish her lunch, Penny couldn't help the smile that took over her face. Their daughter's effortless compassion was something she had definitely gotten from her father; despite both Leonard and Penny insisting Isabel could continue being part of the Skype conversation, Isabel had insisted "Mommy and Daddy need grown ups time cos you miss each other. I gonna be back afters. Daddy made yummy pasghetti!" Penny knew full well that her daughter missed her too, but it amazed her how she could read people so simply.

"She's definitely her Daddy's daughter." Penny said as her smile broke into a grin. "God, I miss her so much. I miss _you _so much. Both of you." And despite her grin, Penny could feel her eyes begin to tear up slightly.

"I'm so sorry we can't be there with you." Leonard said sadly, wishing nothing more than to hold his wife in that moment.

Shaking her head slightly, Penny dabbed quickly at her eyes. "No, it's okay. I mean, I _really _wish you guys were here but... you have your project and Izzie has pre-school and... I just miss you guys."

"I know. We miss you too. I even miss your singing in the shower every morning."

"Hey!" Despite Penny's mock-annoyance, she couldn't help but laugh a little.

Grinning, Leonard shrugged innocently. "What? I said I missed it! That's a compliment!"

"Yeah, yeah." Penny rolled her eyes. "So, you made pasghetti, huh?"

"I did."

"Damn." Penny was confused: how did talking about food make her miss home so much? Spaghetti was spaghetti - or in their case, pasghetti. She'd joked about it years ago and by some strange coincidence, her daughter had never gotten the hang of saying 'spaghetti' correctly. "Can you send some my way?"

"You can get pasghetti in New York... can't you?"

"Yeah, you can but... it's not the same." Penny sighed, looking down at her hands.

Earlier, when their daughter had been part of the Skype conversation too, Leonard had sensed that something was slightly off with Penny. It was something he'd sensed ever since she'd first called from New York. At first he'd just guessed she was nervous and it would fade, but now it seemed more prominent to him - or perhaps she was just struggling to hide it more. "Is everything okay?"

"I... yeah... I mean, New York is amazing, it's everything I imagined it to be and more." Penny said, and Leonard was relieved to hear true excitement in her voice. "It's just... scary." She admitted, and fresh tears came to her eyes. This time she did not try to hide them. "When I was younger and I decided to move to California, and then when I left Kurt and found my own place I was... I was scared but I was - I was younger, I could adapt to the situation and I was free to do what I wanted because... it was just me. And I was okay with that. And now I just... I have everything I ever wanted but not at the same time. And this little part of me sometimes doubts if I'm even good enough for this. It's Broadway! I wanna come home so badly. But I so badly want to do this."

Knowing that he couldn't physically comfort the now softly crying Penny, all alone in her room in New York, hurt Leonard more than almost anything else in the world. Of course, moving across the country, even if only for a certain amount of time, was going to be terrifying - even more so when you had a family. "Hey, hey," Leonard said softly, and if Penny closed her eyes she could almost feel his arms around her and his lips on her forehead. "I want you to come home too. We both do. But we also want you to have the most amazing time being _you _\- the you that you always dreamed of being. It's not the most amazing timing but... Izzie, Izzie's going round telling everyone that her Mommy is a Broadway star." Leonard smiled. "And she's right, you know. You're amazing, Penny."

"Leonard-"

"You're the brightest, most beautiful star on Broadway."

"Leonard..." Penny's tone had changed in an instant to a softer, more affectionate whisper. Wiping at her tears, she gave him a grateful smile. "What would I do without you?"

"Eat crunchy pasghetti?" Leonard grinned. "We'll be there before you know it."

"You know..." Penny bit her lip nervously. Was this the right time to tell him? No, she decided. It was better to tell him in person. "When you come here, can you wear your blue shirt for a bit? Just so it smells like you again."

"Of course."

"You know, I'm so glad this is a limited run show." Penny told him. "In other circumstances, if I was younger, I would be desperate for the show to be here longer. But I think this works better."

"Honestly? Me too." Leonard agreed.

"When I came to LA with my acting dreams I didn't imagine myself having a family." Penny admitted. "But this is so much better, Leonard."


	9. I'll Be Here

**A/N - Unfortunately, we recently have lost in the Leonard &amp; Penny community some wonderful people. I'm also at the part in my Grey's Anatomy re-watch where George dies and Izzie almost dies. Which gets my mind thinking about these things, and this fic is a product of that. So this little piece of writing is dedicated to our LP angels - to quote one of my favorite songs, "one by one, only the good die young... they're only flying too close to the sun". **

* * *

_**Hey, you're allowed to move on, it's okay... **_

_**Because I'll be here**_

_**Even if you decide to get rid of my favorite sweater**_

_**Even if you go out on my birthday this year**_

_**Instead of sitting at home letting all of life's moments pass by**_

(I'll Be Here - Lisa Brescia, Ordinary Days)

* * *

"But... this is Mom's..." Isabel blinked up at her father.

"I know." Leonard smiled.

"She always wore it... you bought it for her - she told me..."

"She'd want you to have it." Leonard said confidently.

"I-" Isabel's voice cracked, lost for words.

"Is, you know that if she knew it was just sitting in the closet she'd complain it's such a waste of her favorite sweater. And she always wore it on her birthday, so I thought today... today she should be happy and someone should wear her sweater."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

"Dad..." Unable to find the words to express herself, Isabel enveloped her father in a hug, Penny's sweater between them. Isabel reminded him of Penny in many ways, and her instinct to express herself through actions rather than words was one of them. When they eventually pulled apart, Isabel wiped at the tears in her eyes. "I just miss her... a lot, sometimes."

"Hey, it's okay. I miss her too." Leonard gently rubbed away the tears from her cheeks and tucked her hair behind her ears.

His gesture reminded Isabel so much of those times she'd seen this tender exchange between her parents; when he comforted her after a long day at work, when it was New Year approaching midnight, when they'd gone to visit Aunt Amy in the hospital when she'd given birth. Sometimes he'd done it for her as well, but it reminded Isabel so much of their mother.

"Remember that video, where on Mom's birthday Joey blew out the candles on her cake?"

"Yeah... Joe _really_ wanted to just get to the cake part already." Leonard smiled. He watched those old videos from Penny's birthdays which had been celebrated as a family every year - it had gotten easier, but it helped him get through the day.

"I hope Amy and Bernadette made a cake." Isabel said. "Mom always said they were really creative with them - that they even made a Death Star one. She showed me a photo."

"Huh. I didn't even know she had a photo of the Death Star cake." Leonard chuckled fondly. "We'll see when we get there. It'll be nice to celebrate her birthday with others again."

With a sad smile, Isabel looked up at her father. "I'm proud of you. She'd want you to still do something on her birthday. She wouldn't want you to be lonely."

"Yeah. I guess."

There was a reflective pause in their conversation, Leonard thinking back over the birthdays he'd celebrated with Penny and Isabel and Joey, and the ones his children would remember celebrating with their mother. And the birthdays Isabel and Joey would spend without their mother... those special moments stolen from his family, his friends... from _him_. Those moments he thought he'd always have Penny around to celebrate with.

Not wanting to think too deeply about these things right now, Leonard thought back to the Death Star cake and a conversation he'd had with Penny when they'd gotten home flitted into his mind.

"You know, before... before any of this happened... we'd only really talked about dying once."

"Really? You spoke about that kinda stuff?" Isabel frowned. She couldn't imagine having that kind of conversation with anybody. It still wasn't something she was entirely comfortable with.

"Yeah. We went to a funeral together and..." Leonard paused to give a small laugh and shook his head. "You know, it wasn't a serious thing, but actually Mom proposed to me twice that day."

"_Twice_? At a funeral? Really, Mom?"

"Yeah." Leonard nodded. "But anyway, that's not the point. When we got home we just lay there talking about... about what we'd do if one of us died. What we'd regret. Those kinds of things. And... it's weird to think about, because when it actually happens you realize how much more difficult it is to do all those things. Like, she wanted me to promise I'd still watch _Game of Thrones _so if she was a ghost she could come back and watch it with me. And I told her she'd better still make French Toast - and then we argued about that thing in _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets _where there's food at Nearly Headless Nick's party, and if I'd even be able to taste it as a ghost. But we were both insistent that we'd want the other to find someone else... so we wouldn't be alone, unhappy for the rest of our lives. Which makes sense. But it's... it's not as easy as it sounds."

"Hey, you still watch _Game of Thrones _with a two-person portion of popcorn, so you stuck to your promise. And... I know for sure Mom wouldn't want you to be on your own forever." Isabel smiled.

"Why?"

"Because - remember when I'd broken up with Alex? She told me about when you guys were broken up and you were dating Uncle Raj's sister." Isabel pulled a face to express how much the idea of that freaked her out. "And in that moment I knew all she wants is for you to be happy. Kinda like when you'd make us watch _Star Wars _and she'd complain that it's boring and you shouldn't be allowed to be in charge of picking movies ever, even when it's your turn, but she'd still watch it every single time and quote it to Joey because it always made him laugh when she did the impressions. And every May 4th, we all had Chewbacca cookies in our lunch boxes."

"Oh yeah." Leonard's heart swelled at the memory of the Chewbacca cookies. They were far from the tastiest cookies, and he had teased her every year about them, but he loved them. "Hey, did you want to invite Alex today?"

Isabel shrugged shyly. "I... I don't know." She had been trying to work out if it was appropriate to bring her boyfriend to a gathering in honor of her Mom's birthday.

"She wouldn't want you to be alone either, Izzie."


	10. Tell Me on a Sunday

**A/N - **I was listening to this the other day and this was born from that idea, on my tube journey to work. This also happens to be in my audition repertoire (fun fact!) so I guess now I have some extra emotion to channel next time I sing it!

* * *

_Don't run off in the pouring rain_

_Don't call me as they call your plane_

_Take the hurt out of all the pain_

_Take me to a park that's covered with trees_

_Tell me on a Sunday please_

**(Tell Me on a Sunday - Tell Me on a Sunday)**

* * *

"Oh... I'm sorry." Leonard uttered quickly. He'd gone up to the roof for some air and to get away from everyone; he hadn't been expecting to find Penny up there too - let alone red-eyed and shivering.

Wiping the tears from beneath her eyes with her thumbs, Penny shook her head slightly. "No, it's okay." Despite herself, Penny could feel she needed to cry again. Which she thought was ridiculous, and must look even more ridiculous to Leonard, given that she was the one who had put them in this situation. Instead of rushing past Leonard to leave like she'd intended to upon hearing his voice, she turned away to look out at the streets again so he wouldn't see her crying.

"It's okay. I- I can leave." Leonard said. In retrospect, he should have known she'd be here. Penny liked being up on the roof - he was the only one who knew that.

"Okay." Penny's voice came out uncharacteristically high-pitched, and instantly Leonard knew he couldn't leave her up here alone. Penny wished she hadn't said anything, because she felt terrible enough as it was. It wasn't fair of her for Leonard to clean up the mess she had made... he was hurting too. But a part of Penny was glad that Leonard was here. He was, in spite of everything, the only one who knew how to be there for her.

She was right; in an instant he had his arms around her and she was doing the best she could not to cry into his shoulder.

Feeling how cold she was, Leonard rubbed his hand up and down her arm. Penny was glad she already had goose bumps from the cold because it always gave her goose bumps when he did that, and she wasn't supposed to feel that way anymore. Well, she wasn't going to stop feeling that way in just an hour. She couldn't help but to turn slightly closer to him.

"Hey," Leonard let go so he could quickly shrug off his jacket. Moving behind her, he helped her put it on. She curled her fingers around the sleeves the way she always did when she wore his jackets home from dinner. Linking his arm through hers, he quietly told her, "lets go."

"Where?"

He didn't reply, instead simply leading her away to the door. She didn't question him further when he led them down the stairs; nor when he continued down past their apartments and out of the building. There was a rare light drizzle of rain and Penny was grateful that they were walking in the rain because it could disguise her tears... slightly. At least, it felt like it did.

After a couple of minutes they reached the park. The park they took Sheldon to on Sunday's so he got some fresh air - once they'd snuck away and made out hidden away in a thicket of trees. The park Penny had taken her mother to when she'd come to visit; it was the first time Penny had really imagined herself with kids, but she'd still rolled her eyes and snorted in dismissal when her mother had asked if Leonard was helping produce grandkids anytime soon because nobody was getting any younger. The park Leonard always went to for kite fights with his friends, even though Penny always teased him for thinking it was a sport but still provided get-well kisses for the kite burn (it was totally a real thing).

They sat down on their favorite bench - slightly secluded from the main path, but with a pleasant view of the greenery and the children's playground in the distance.

Finally, Penny looked up at Leonard. "I'm sorry," she said, and if words had no meaning then her face said more than enough.

"I know." Suddenly, Leonard was at a loss of what to say. It had just felt like the right thing to do, going to the park. But he didn't know what he was supposed to do next. He loved her. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

"When you told me... even _now_..." This time, Penny couldn't stop herself from bursting into tears, and to her own surprise Leonard held her close when she rested her forehead against his shoulder and gripped his hoodie with her hands.

Eventually, she calmed down. They stayed sitting, holding onto each other, while the world continued around them. If they stayed like this, they were together. They could pretend the past couple of hours, the past couple of days hadn't happened. They could pretend all they'd done was bowling at the Bowling Alley if they didn't move. If they didn't move, maybe something in the universe would alter what had happened; maybe it would alter something that had been said. One of them might feel differently.

But that wasn't how it worked, and they both knew that they couldn't pretend forever.

"I love you, even if you don't." Leonard said finally. It felt like the bravest thing he'd ever said out loud. "And I'm selfish for wanting you to say it back. But I understand... or I will, eventually."

Those words made Penny want to run. A panic rose up inside her that she couldn't figure out. And that was exactly why she couldn't do this. But instead of running, she stayed. It felt like the bravest thing she'd ever done for anyone. "I wish I could give you what you wanted. You don't deserve this, Leonard, and I hate that I'm the one making you feel like this."

They were silent for a while again before Leonard sighed quietly, not wanting to cry in front of Penny. "Thank you for being honest."

"Thank you for-" Penny could not finish her sentence. It was too difficult to say. Instead she squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed her words, trying to find something else to tell him. "For being you."

Slowly, they turned their faces to look at each other. Behind the pain, Penny could see that he really did love her. She hoped that one day he would see the same look in someone's eyes too. Maybe it would be her one day - but whoever it was would be a lucky girl, to love someone as wonderful as Leonard.

Tentatively, they leaned in, letting their lips brush gently before sharing a soft kiss. Their hands moved to hold each others faces, both wanting to remember their last kiss. They pulled apart with small smiles on their faces. Leonard thought that was the last time he would smile for a while. He was glad he was sharing his last smile with Penny. It was worth it.

"Lets go home." Penny said quietly.

They stood, linking their hands together, and began the familiar walk home.

"You know, I'm still gonna be the girl next door." Penny said after a couple of minutes.

"Yeah... that's true." Leonard nodded.

"And you're still my best friend. I know things are gonna be weird for a while... but you are still my best friend. I hope that's okay, 'cause I really don't wanna lose my best friend."

"Of course that's okay." Leonard was incredibly touched by her words. "You're still my best friend too."


	11. Edge of Glory

**A/N - **I was listening to the live recording of this song and when I listened to it again the skeleton of this story formed in my mind. It took a while to articulate the story that had played out in my mind but I think I've finally got it.

* * *

**There ain't no reason me and you should be alone**

**Tonight, yeah baby **

**I've got a feeling that you should take me home tonight**

**I need a man that makes it right when it's so wrong**

**Tonight, yeah baby**

**Right on the limits where we know we both belong tonight**

* * *

Using Sheldon's euphoria that they had won the costume contest, the gang had decided to stop by a bar on the way home. Sure, they looked completely out of place dressed up as superhero characters, but almost everybody there was drunk and didn't take that much notice when they walked in.

Howard and Sheldon were sat sensibly away from all the main action, and as far as possible away from Raj who was trying to talk with a bunch of girls in the hopes of making up for his lack of a midnight kiss. Unfortunately for him, his costume was not attracting the attention he desired. Zach was dancing with anything and anyone that could move, having quickly become the life of the party even in his Superman costume - or perhaps _because _of his Superman costume. Penny had tried initially to stick with him, but if she was being honest it was difficult going anywhere with Zack. He was a social butterfly and liked to flit around with everyone, and it wasn't Penny's thing. She liked to stick with her girls or her date for the evening, but it was impossible with Zack. Not that he meant to push her away, they were just different like that.

Which was okay with her, because she'd spied Leonard getting a drink at the bar and decided to make her way over and join him. She'd seen him briefly dancing with a girl in a purple dress, and she couldn't deny that it irked her more than a little. Not that she had the right to be annoyed by this... but she couldn't help it. It made her jealous and she hated being the jealous one. Despite being the one who had kissed Zack right in front of Leonard at midnight, she wanted to be... _available _for Leonard, whatever that meant. And she didn't want Leonard to be _un_available. Nothing had to happen, but if it didn't it would be far from the worst thing in the world.

"Hey!" Penny grinned as she squeezed in between Leonard and another guy waiting to order. "Watcha getting?"

"Just a beer," Leonard shrugged, and at that moment the bartender reappeared with his beer. "Sorry, and one more please."

"And two shots of tequila!" Penny blurted out. Biting her lip, she looked at Leonard. "I don't know why."

"Well, nothing wrong with just one shot to bring in the New Year." Leonard smiled. "Having fun?"

"Uh... yeah, kinda. I was dancing but... I thought I'd come and get a drink with you. What about you?"

"Actually, I'm having more fun that I thought I would at first." Leonard grinned. "Maybe it's the costume."

Smirking, Penny nodded slowly. "Maybe it is."

The bartender appeared once more with a beer for Penny and the two shots of tequila. "Lime and salt?"

"Uh, no, it's okay." Penny decided quickly. She wasn't going down _that _road again. When Leonard took his wallet out to pay, she quickly pulled a twenty dollar bill out from the bralet of her costume and handed it over. Leonard contributed a few more dollars for the remaining balance and tip, and they left the packed bar area.

"There's some space round the back to sit down." Penny remembered, as they looked around. She led him through the crowd of dancers and they found a free two-seater couch in a corner and sat down. "Shots first?"

"Yeah." Leonard agreed. "Better to get it out of the way."

"Exactly. One, two, three!"

They quickly downed their shots, both shaking their heads at the taste.

"Ugh," Leonard shuddered. "It's been a _long _time since I've done that."

"Me too." Penny set their empty shot glasses to the side. "I can't believe we once finished a bottle of Tequila together."

"Me neither. I don't think I would be able to do that anymore." Leonard mused. "Unless mother came to stay... then I probably would."

Penny giggled in agreement. "I don't blame you." She tilted her beer bottle towards his to clink the bottle necks. "Happy New Year, Leonard."

"Happy New Year to you too, Penny." Leonard grinned, and the pair took a swig of their beers, grateful to wash away the taste of the tequila.

"Do you reckon a superheroes powers would be increased in effectiveness under the influence of tequila?"

Taking a moment to consider this, Leonard swirled the beer in his bottle once and watched it foam a little. "Probably not."

"Well, maybe it would if it were in an X-Rated movie." Penny pointed out, before clearing her throat and changing the subject. "So, any big plans for the year? Resolutions?"

"Oh, uh, I guess... try to get out and about more. Since living with Sheldon, everything is always very much the same. So I guess to try something new, even if it's just something small. I don't know what yet." Leonard shrugged. He'd been thinking about it for a while, but figured what exactly his new 'thing' would be would just come along in due course - there was no point in pushing it to happen. "How about you?"

"I've told myself this every year since I started my job, but I want to get out of waitressing." Penny sighed. "I don't know how yet either."

"I'm sure something will come along eventually." Leonard smiled.

"Well, _you _already technically did something new. For you, anyway." Penny raised a brow.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw you dancing with that girl earlier!" Penny nudged his arm playfully. She knew she was just using what he'd said as a way to find out more, and tried not to think about how much she didn't like the fact that he'd been dancing with a random girl at a bar.

"Oh..." Leonard looked away shyly. "To be honest, I was just trying to make my way back to the guys after going to the bathroom. But she started dancing with me out of nowhere, so I just went along with it. I've never danced with a girl at a bar before."

Thoughtfully, Penny tilted her head and looked at Leonard with a small frown before making a decision. Standing up, she held out her hand. "Lets dance."

"What?"

"Dance with me."

"I don't know..."

"What, you think Green Lantern is too good to dance with Wonder Woman?"

"Hey, you got it right!" Leonard grinned.

"Yeah, whatever." Penny rolled her eyes, but secretly she was proud of herself for finally remembering. She leaned forward to grab Leonard's hand, tugging slightly. "Lets dance!"

She looked so happy at having gotten the superhero name right and the prospect of dancing, Leonard decided if he'd had the courage to dance with a stranger then he could at least have the decency to dance with Penny too. He knew how much she loved dancing. Using her hand to pull himself up, he smiled nervously at her. "Alright, lets dance."

"Yay!"

**It's hard to feel the rush, to push the dangerous **

**I wanna run right to, to the edge with you **

**Where we'll both fall far in love**

Grabbing Leonard's hand, Penny led them over to the crowd of dancing party-goers. She figured it would be more comfortable to be surrounded by others, rather than just on their own in a quiet corner.

Given that they _both _were dressed in full on superhero outfits, Leonard felt that little bit less awkward dancing in public. And it seemed that some girls were into that, since he'd already danced with one girl earlier - and she'd danced with him _by choice_.

"Wow," Leonard chuckled.

"What?"

"Tonight I'll have danced with _two _women! That's two more than usual!"

"Uh-huh," Penny raised her brows in amusement, trying to hide the fact that she wasn't exactly _happy _that he'd danced with someone else tonight already. She wished he'd stop pointing it out, although she knew he wasn't doing it on purpose. He was just happy that he'd had a chance to come out of his shell a little. "I always asked you to dance, you never wanted to!"

Shrugging, Leonard stepped a little closer to Penny as a louder song came on. "I guess I feel a little braver dressed as Green Lantern!"

For a while, all Penny could do was smile at him while she continued dancing. The truth behind what Leonard had said was incredibly touching; he had relied on superheroes to get him through the turmoil that a dysfunctional family and constant bullying had put him through - and had followed him into adulthood. She wondered if it helped that being dressed up meant his identity was hidden and any rejection or embarrassing incident could be distanced from him personally.

Leonard was thinking similar thoughts about Penny. She was very good at hiding how she felt from him most of the time, but tonight had been a little different. Did dressing up as Wonder Woman give her that extra bit of courage to admit that she wasn't _really _with Zack, or that he, Leonard, was part of the reason she wasn't sure about the New Year celebration plans? She was, after all, an actress, and he thought that perhaps it helped her in her personal life too, to distance herself from herself. That, and he thought he'd sensed a slight jealous edge to her voice when she'd been asking him about the girl he'd been dancing with.

As if to prove his thoughts right, after a while Penny thoughtfully replied, "I know what you mean."

Perhaps it was this moment of unspoken truths, but Leonard suddenly felt the urge to take a step closer to Penny. He did so, continuing with placing his hands lightly on her hips. Instantly, Penny's arms came up around his neck, hands linking loosely behind him.

**I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth**

**I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you**

They danced like that for a few songs, smiling and occasionally making small talk about the music or the costume party, but mostly they were silent. Neither could find the words to complement the atmosphere in the little world they had created that encompassed only the two of them and nobody else.

"Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

Penny hummed contentedly as she shook her hair back and took a proper look at his face. "Thank you for making this sucky New Year into an amazing one."

"The same for you. I mean, we really wouldn't have won that contest without you. And I probably would be having the worst time at this bar without you here." Leonard gave her a shy smile, which did nothing but melt her heart.

"Well, I wasn't having the best time either." Penny pointed out, raising her brow. Her eyes wandered over to the main crowd of dancers, scanning them for Zack. Of course he was there, one arm around a woman and the other hand holding yet another beer. _New Year, same Zack_, she thought. She figured that's what she deserved for only getting back together with him so she wouldn't be alone during the festivities, but she still wished he'd paid at least a _little _more attention to her.

Seeing the melancholy look on Penny's face, Leonard brought his hands down to hold hers. "What do you say we get out of here?"

"Yeah." Penny smiled. "Yeah, lets go."

They weaved their way back through the crowd of dancers. Penny snuck a glance at Zack on her way and decided she really didn't need a guy like him to not be alone during the New Year. Leonard would have included her in their plans had she told him she would be spending it alone; he was always more than happy for her to be involved in the guys activities. They grabbed another shot at the bar - "for old times sake," Penny said - before leaving, slowing their pace as they silently walked away from the club.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Usually when Penny was leaving a club she was giggling so loudly it woke up half of Pasadena. Leonard could remember times she'd left feeling particularly affectionate - which only seemed to increase her giggles with a few satisfied hums thrown in. Penny was glad that for once she behaving neither of these ways. She felt pleasantly calm, the alcohol settling the nerves she would have other felt at being out alone with Leonard.

"Thanks for dressing up as Wonder Woman." Leonard said after a while. "I know it was just to shut Sheldon up... well, all of us. But you look... you look great. Really."

Pulling a face, Penny scoffed. "You're just saying that because I helped you win the competition."

"Well, that too. But you do look amazing."

"Yeah, well," Penny sighed and sat down on a bench. She wished she'd worn more comfortable shoes. "Look where looking good got me."

Sitting down beside Penny, Leonard put a hand on her knee. "You sacrificed your own plans to help out your friends when you could have just said no. And you put the black wig on even though you hated it."

"Look, I put on the wig becau-"

"You don't need to tell me why you need to put the wig on or why anything, Penny. The point I'm trying to make is that you don't just _look _good - and by the way, the word I actually used is _great_, not good. You're kind and caring and that's even more important. So really, thank you for coming tonight. I know you don't get it and it sounds stupid, but that competition means something to us in our lives."

"I think I kinda get it." Penny mused. "The superhero thing."

"You do?"

A loud cheer erupted a few blocks away, followed by fireworks. They gazed at them for a while; these fireworks were far less impressive than those set off at midnight but still mesmerizing.

"Fireworks are so beautiful. We never did them back at the farm because it would scare the animals. But they're so magical. Just beautiful." Penny said quietly, unable to look away.

"Yeah." Leonard agreed, looking over at Penny. "Just beautiful."

He had just returned his gaze to the fireworks when Penny looked at him. After a brief moment of hesitation, she leaned in and kissed Leonard fully on the lips. She was Wonder Woman, and Wonder Woman was much braver than Penny. The following day when she'd tell Kim and Cherie at work she'd blame it partly on alcohol and partly on 'the whole superhero thing', but the truth was she _wanted _to kiss him. Enough time had passed for them to accept that being together wasn't in the cards right now, and maybe never would be. But the last kiss they had shared had been awkward and unexpressive, and she'd never really been able to express things properly to Leonard. This gave her a way to do that, and it could give them some closure. If she could remember their last kiss with a smile on her face rather than regret, and _know_ that they had shared their last kiss, she could take the next step. Whatever that was.

It was a passionate kiss. Not the kind that led to making out, but the kind that replaced words when they were not enough.

Leonard wondered if he would be kissing Penny back if it wasn't New Year and he wasn't dressed as Green Lantern. He didn't know what it was, but he felt like this moment was the official final full stop in the chapter that was their relationship.

After the kiss came to a natural end, Leonard gently traced his fingers down Penny's face and arms, before gently holding her hands and standing up. She followed suit, unable to stop smiling.

"Lets go home."

Their hands stayed linked during the short walk home. It was only when they reached the fourth floor hallway that they spoke again.

"Goodnight, Leonard." Penny slowly dropped her hand from his hold. She didn't want to, but he had to be free now; that had been her other resolution: to let him be happy no matter what that entailed - and to accept that she couldn't give him what he needed and deserved. Sometimes you just had to be honest with yourself, even if you couldn't be so with others - and Penny had finally reached that sad realization. "Thank you for tonight."

"No, thank _you_."

Smiling, Penny took a small step back. "I hope this year brings you a lot of happiness."

"For you too. Wanna come over for brunch later?"

"I-" Penny bit her lip. Of course she wanted to. "I should go for a run before work. That's my other resolution... be more healthy."

"Okay, let me know if you change your mind. Raj is cooking so you know there'll be plenty to go around."

Penny nodded, but she knew she wasn't going to change her mind. She missed being Leonard's best friend, and if she wanted to be his best friend she had to distance herself from whatever feelings she still had for him in any other way. Leonard was a great friend; he would understand without asking.

"Goodnight, Leonard."

"'Night, Penny. Enjoy your run."

"Thanks. Sleep well."


End file.
